When Couples Counseling Doesn't Work: What Next?

Couples counseling can be an important step towards useful communication, healing, and relationship growth. However, sometimes therapy doesn't yield the desired results, and you might feel hopeless and unsure of what to do next. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I understand how frustrating this situation can be. In this blog post, I will talk about what couples can do when counseling doesn't work, so that they can find their way back to a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

When couples counseling doesn’t work, individual therapy may be a better option.

1. Revisit the idea of couples counseling.

Sometimes, couples require more than one attempt at counseling to see the desired outcomes. If therapy didn't work the first time, consider revisiting it. There is no shame in acknowledging that things didn't go as planned and that sometimes, it can take multiple tries to make things work. Before giving up, ensure that you have tried every available option.

2. Try a different therapist.

Just as people do not like every other person they interact with in their daily life, finding the right couples' counselor can be an exhausting task. It can happen that a therapist is not the right fit for you, and in that case, there is nothing wrong with seeking another one. Every therapist brings their unique style to the table, and some just may not be what you need or want. Trying a new therapist might open up new possibilities that were not available before.

3. Seek individual therapy.

Sometimes, the issues affecting a relationship stem from one partner more than the other. In this case, individual therapy gives your partner the opportunity to work through the issues on their own and helps provide additional insights into the relationship. The partner in therapy may oppose therapy, but by seeking therapy on your own, you're providing a demonstration of your effort towards improving things. This can inspire the partner to try couples’ therapy again.

4. Create space.

If you have tried couples counseling a few times, and it simply doesn't work for you, then sometimes, creating some space might be helpful. This involves, however, discussing why you are taking the break and agreeing on the duration of the space-taking exercise. During this period, you can focus on individual self-care and improvement, which may then result in the betterment of your relationship.

5. Consider other alternatives.

There are many steps you can take when counseling doesn’t work; therefore, it is best to consider exploring other alternatives. For instance, you could go for retreats, get involved in group therapy, or speak to relationship coaches. There is no one-size-fits-all solution, and sometimes, trying out something new might be what works for you.

I had a couple come in for counseling the other day. They'd been married for 15 years and had been to see a couple different therapists, but something just wasn't clicking. I could tell they were both really frustrated but committed to solving their problems. The husband said, "I just don't think this counseling thing is going to work for us. It brings up too much."

I could understand why he felt that way. After all, they'd tried it before and it hadn't worked. But I also know that counseling is a process, and sometimes it takes a while to find the right therapist.

I suggested they revisit the idea of couples counseling and focus less on themselves but on how they as a couple gel with me, and consider alternative routes like relationship coaching: we would talk less about problems and more about tactics for a strong marriage.

I'm glad they decided to give it another try. I think they'll be surprised at how well it works this time.

When couples counseling doesn’t work, choosing another therapist may be a better option.

Couples counseling requires hard work and dedication for couples to achieve their desired results. While it can be discouraging to take the stance that things aren't working out, understanding that you have options can be liberating. As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I suggest that you give therapy another chance, consider revisiting with another therapist, seek individual therapy, create space for healing, and consider exploring other alternatives that can be beneficial to your relationship. Remember, the end goal is for you both to work towards a healthy and fulfilling relationship.